Topic: Engagement

As of July 15th, 2011, Matt and I are engaged!

YES! It's been awhile since I've posted and a ton of things have changed, so let's begin with the eldest development and work from there.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but for awhile after Metrocon Matt was working at Cici's Pizza with me again. That was spectacular. We worked five days a week together and we were both getting three-hundred and four-hundred dollar checks. We didn't have much time for other things and on our days-off we spent them sleeping in and relaxing with each other. For awhile, this was the ideal state: Matt's income was sufficient enough, to the point where we went on dates again, he helped cover gas costs, and paid his cellphone bill. I was able to pay off my expenses and have a lot of fun money that eventually got spent on sexy items from our favorite store, CK's Secrets. (Trust me, that'll be a separate Topic....)

Unfortunately, working that hard at a constant rate for me wore me down, and I was extremely bitchy and irritable for a long time afterwards. Matt, ever the gentleman, swears I wasn't being a bitchy and didn't know what I was talking about (1).

Anyway, so Matt frequently told me during this time, when I was stressing so hard our sex life took a dive and I wasn't enjoying myself, assured me and cuddled me and made me feel better. He even talked of our engagement; he did that lots of times before July, but he never hinted at actually getting a ring. Well, with his last paycheck from Cici's (as it unfortunately turned out), he bought me an engagement ring! He also took me to dinner at Olive Garden and proposed on one knee and everything.

It sounds ultimately traditional, right? There are some things that weren't, which is to be expected since Matt and I aren't a "normal" couple, as so many friends and acquaintances like to remind us.

For one, Matt told me when he was getting the ring. I was in Wal-Mart when he bought it, but I didn't see it until he pulled it out after dinner. Two, I saw the box the ring was in; he had it out on the table at Olive Garden and kept peeking at and peeking at it. Once when our waitress was checking on us/bringing us our food, he showed her the ring and asked, "Excuse me, can I get your opinion - do you think this is good?"

The waitress fawned over us. "Awwww, that's so cute! Congratulations, guys! That's so awesome!"

The whole dinner involved us chatting and giggling. We held hands, smiling uncontrollably, and I think this was the happiest we had been together for a while. I think I heard a faint string of Frank Sinatra singing in the background (2).

Eventually, Matt stood up from the table and knelt down in front of me while I was still seated. I had to take off my promise ring (I'd bought them earlier this year as a set from the flea market, one for me, one for Matt). Matt, always the simple guy, didn't prepare any speeches, didn't recite poetry or anything resembling purple prose. All he did was look me dead in the eye, open the box with the ring, and said, "Sarah... will you marry me?"

I, of course, said yes and pounced him with hugs and kisses. He slipped the ring on my finger, and right then, the waitress came back and said, "Oh no! You guys should have waited for me to get back. Darnnit, I missed it."

When she brought us our bill, she included a card that said "Congrats on your engagement!" Matt still keeps that card in his wallet to this day.

Sounds amazing and awesome, right? Well, you'd think people would be happy for us.

A lot of people weren't.

The announcement of our engagement was taken in lots of different ways, mostly negative with tints of positive, and sometimes just some people being out right insensitive about it! My parents didn't like that he proposed without a clear plan of when we were getting married and without a place for us to officially live together. They also didn't like that they bought my ring at Wal-Mart. They seriously hurt my feelings, and even before I told them I didn't tell them until two or three days after Matt proposed.

Some people had mixed reactions, mainly I'm assuming because we haven't been together long and they hold traditional views on the matter. I'm guessing some of them were jealous because they hadn't had a boyfriend in seven years, wary because I had recently come out of an abusive relationship and they perhaps thought Matt was my rebound, and so on. The reasons they object are endless, and in truth, they don't matter.

Besides Matt's family being supportive, there was truly only one other person a 100% on our engagement: the elderly buser at Cici's, Ms. Margret. She was upset that people were being openly negative about our news, especially when it came to the ring itself. "It doesn't matter how much he paid for the ring or where he bought it," she said. "It's about the meaning behind it."

I cried when she said that, and Ms. Margret was so awesome to talk to during that time. My Engagement should have been a happy time, and while it was most of the time, my parents made it hard on me. Turns out, my mom reacted the negative way that she did because she felt Matt was taking me away from her (Ms. Margret talked to mom for me). They were also worried that Matt wouldn't be able to support me and that I would be supporting the both of us throughout our marriage, which is not true.

What happened next, however, didn't help my Engagement go any smoother. The week after our engagement, Matt got into a fight with the owner of Cici's and walked out/got fired.

I once again cried and hurt, and vented and raged. The day it happened, I chased after Matt in the back area behind Cici's where he used to park and we talked. It wasn't a fight, but it was very emotional, and it ended with me expressing my financial fears and Matt taking me in his arms as we leaned up against his sister's white Mustang: "This right here," he said, holding up my hand and indicating the ring -- "This means I'm not giving up. I made commitment, and I'm going to keep it. This right here means I'm in it for the long run, and you don't have to worry - I will get a job, and I will set things right."

That's something a lot of people don't seem to understand about our engagement. We're not dumb-fuck middle schoolers who prance around saying they're engaged after dating for two days and with no ring, only to break up weeks later and repeat the cycle with the next guy, and so on. While we are young, we're not stupid from the modern times: we both agree you only get engaged once, and you only get married once, and once you're married it's forever.

We're going to work out. How do I know this?

*Research has shown that couples who are willing to work things out and have a mind set that they're going to last end up fulfilling a self-prophesy. They are proven to be more open with communication and to resolve issues as they pop up. (3)

*Matt and I genuinely care for each other and show each other this every day. One key to keeping a relationship thriving is to constantly show love and affection by being thoughtful, doing nice things, cuddling, pay compliments, buying each other things, and so on. This can be anything from Matt giving me a foot rub when I ask him to, to me playing a certain video game because Matt wants me to experience it with him, like our time playing Final Fantasy 7. He plays it on the PSP while I play it on the PS3, and he ends up being my living walk-through.

*Matt and I share identical views on fidelity and what counts as cheating, the permanence of marriage, divorce, and that an engagement is serious business that people shouldn't fuck with. We're not fuck-wad highschoolers who give blow jobs to male friends and then say yes to getting married because they "like" another guy. We have clearly defined our terms, even to the point of actually writing out an agreement.

*We hid nothing and share everything. I have his passwords and he has mine, we are always allowed to use the other's phone, we know who we're hanging out with and where we're going, and Matt is the only person to ever read my private journals - not because he asked, but because I WILLINGLY showed him. (4)

*We respect each other's needs, and openly make accommodations so that everyone is happy.


*Our sex life is full of spice. We've had sex in several different locations, in different positions, and we've tried all kinds of things. We're regulars at CK's Secrets, use lots of different kinds of lubes, sexy toys, videos and books. We're always going to try something new, as long as it doesn't involve bringing in a third party or fantasizing about someone else. We're always researching and learning new things, and we're more than willing to spend time learning each other's bodies.

*Along with regular sex, we also share non-sexual touching such as cuddling, nuzzling, holding hands. Touching releases the bonding hormone oxytocin, a hormone that also releases during sex and is responsible for wanting to be closer to someone and having caring feelings for them. Couples who have frequent touching and sex have higher levels of the bonding chemical, and are more able to sustain a foundation under duress. (5)


*We have our me-time. Yes, that's right! I've got my space and he has his, and I feel better for this. I have time to work on my writing, homework, chores, and beauty routine without worrying that he'll barge in and distract me.

*We have postive role models in our parents. Both sets of parents have been married for 20+ years. Matt's dad was 17 when he got married to Matt's mom, and my mother knew she was going to marry my father before she even knew his name. Mom and Dad only dated for six months until they were engaged.

*Matt is supportive of my dreams and hobbies and doesn't stop me from doing them. He also isn't stopping from getting my education. He is not a nasty nay-sayer who ruins my happiness by shoving reality in my face. He reads my writing and inquires about his favorite characters he's gotten to know (he loves Walt Holiday). He doesn't encourage me to skip class, congratulates me when I succeed in school, and helps me with my math homework. In that same aspect, I am supportive of his goals. I ask him to play me certain songs on his guitar or to learn something new, he shows me his drawings and we even draw together, and I've been helping him get his GED. I am not claling out from work or quitting school, and he's got a job interview on Tuesday.

*We have rituals and in-jokes that keep us together and on each other's minds. This will be a separate Topic sometime later. We play Birth by Sleep arena mode when we feel like reliving how we met, or we get Starbucks because of our technical first day and get the same drinks we did the first time. We say things like "Squeak squeak"/"Meow meow", "an alien with huge knockers," "And there it is," "Crab Battle!," "What can it possibly be about blow jobs and golf?" and many more I can't think of. We get sparkling grape juice for special occasions and sometimes regular stay-in dates, and we only watch certain TV shows with each other. Anything that has to do with porn, sex, or love scenes, we wait until the other one's with us to view it (this includes animes like Sekirei and Queen's Blade for the sheer amount of topless women that run rampant in the plot.) We text often, with me sending a bunch in the morning during classes while he's sleeping and us texting while I'm working, texting things like "I love you" and "Iwtbiy"/"Iwyim". We eat Cheetos Cheese Puffs a certain way with each other, and we don't buy them unless we're going to eat them together.

*We have adventures together, even if it's something like going on a road trip with family or checking out a new store or even eating at a new restaurant. For instance, Matt and I have seen two plays together: Spamalot which was in December 2010 and Amadeus, which we saw just yesterday. We've gone to Tampa together, with plans to go again; been to Tallahassee, and two different cities in Alabama. We've been rollerskating, to a water park, a gay bar, karaoke, and a Christmas parade. We try new things and go places, giving us more memories and good times to think about when the going gets tough. Which brings me to my next point...

*We reminisce often. We talk about our good times often. We relive our early days all the time, usually just randomly bringing it up in conversation. We take pictures, write journal entries. I saved the heart-shaped velvet box from the chocolates Matt bought me for Valentine's Day and filled it with random objects that have to do with our time together, such as a Glow-in-The-Dark condom representing the same brand we used the first time we did it, Rubber band pink mermaid bracelets we wore to the gay bar when we went with co-workers in December, vender cards I picked up from Metrocon. I saved all the written pages and poems I've written since meeting him, and I'm working on a picture project that involves taking all the pics of us together and arranging them in some way.




My research has shown me that so far, we're doing what happy and strongly connected couples do. :) Sure, we've got some bad habits that sometimes result in me flinging assumptions or him feeling like I ignore him for my text messages, but for the most part we're perfectly happy.

So the next time people get antsy about our future, I'll show them this list, and that should put them in shock.

In short, being engaged isn't something that should be taken lightly, and Matt and I have the mettle to go the distance.

Until next Topic,
S.

NOTES:

1. Every time I'm exceedingly aware of my mood swings, which are mostly the product of the Implant, Matt denies that I'm being a bitch/unpleasant/mean/moody/nasty. How nice of him.

2. I'm pretty sure I heard him, or if not him somebody similar to him. Either way, it adds to my memory.

3. For more information, read this: http://www.stresscure.com/relation/succeed.html

4. Usually, I don't openly show people my work because I write on very personal and raw subjects that most people would be offended by. Well, turns out Matt found out about my blog here and doesn't mind it at all. I've also found old journals of mine, poems, stories, and so on for him to read and he doesn't judge me for it.

5. For more information, read this: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/29301411/ns/today-relationships/t/common-marriage-problems-solutions/

Topic Update: Vacations and Time Apart

So in my last post, I talked about my slight need for time apart from Matt and the impending situation of Metrocon 2011. This post is a follow-up, detailing recent developments regarding the Topic: Vacations and Time Apart.



First, I'm gonna get into my changed state of mind: I'm no longer aching for time apart, as much. What changed? Well, my unhappiness in Southport, a result of me reluctantly moving in with Matt and his family into a very tense situation involving dying grandparents and verbally abusive fathers who like to insult us both by calling us dead-beats (when I'm the college student with a part-time job), caused me to miss my parents greatly. I also longed to be away from Matt, in an attempt to bring back the earlier days of us dating, when seeing each other was less of a promise and more of a chance. I wanted to go back to living in seperate situations because I feel like I never made the proper mental transition needed to adjust to living away from Mom and Dad, plus I missed my room and sleeping with my dogs. I missed watching the tv shows I wanted to watch, missed vegging out in front of the computer for hours on end, and in a way, I even missed riding on the wretched trolley.

In short, I was missing my me-time.



And while I still do to an extent and plan to do something about it (eventually...), something happened that made me realize that being selfish and moving back in with my parents abruptly would only hurt Matt worse during the time he needed me most -- when his grandfather, who he had been extremely close to, finally passed.


Seeing my boyfriend retreat to another room where no-one else goes, I followed him and he did something he had never done to me before: ran to me and let me hold him as he cried. Yes, reader, my boyfriend showed himself fully to me and let me see him cry.


Matt d0es not easily cry. In fact, he claims to have difficulty showing any kind of emotion (1). But witnessing this moment and being there for him physically, letting him curl up into my side and let me hold on the couch later or letting me stroke his hair while he fell asleep, made me realize that as much as I want to go home, a piece of me is there in wretched South port with the man I love, and that's what's holding me there. I do want to be with Matt, and supporting him through the death of his grandfather - going so far as me calling out of work to accompany him at the funeral in Alabama - pushed it into my head that relieving my homesickness can wait.


And with that realization, I have gladly accepted the fact that living with Matt means practically always being around him. Since the death of his grandfather, I have made a committment to being there for Matt through the fire and flames, and my ache for home and me-time has subsided. It's still there, but it's less important. I realized that as Matt's girlfriend and eventual life partner, I had to be there for him in his time of need. And I'm so happy I was, because in all honesty... if I HAD gone home before Wayne passed, I would have been full of regret and endless guilt. I would have felt I failed Matt as a girlfriend, that I should have been there for him.


No guilt, no regrets, and everything to be gained in a relationship that has grown even deeper through surviving a crisis together.


Something that really made me forget about going home for a while?


Matt told me that it really meant something that I was there at the funeral with him. He said I made things easier, I made him him feel better and loved; I kept him entertained and busy, showering him with love and affection all through the day, and that my presence there "made it seem like a normal day (2)."


That made all my grief and unhappiness fade into a dull blur smothered by a warm fuzzy of love.


I still plan to move back in with my parents; how this will happen, I'm not exactly sure yet. This is why that even though I made quite a show of putting my bedroom into boxes, I never intended to actually foreverly leave. I, however, wish for Matt to movin with me... and at the same time, I wish for him to stay in Southport. I worry that he won't be happy living with me and my parents, just as I am unhappy living with his (specifically the verbally abusive father with severe anger issues). I feel that perhaps we should live in seperate abodes for a while, but at the same time, I feel I would miss him so terribly the ache to be with him will overcome my ache to be without him around constantly (3).


In this aspect of the Topic, I am in a stalemate.



But regarding the Metrocon sitution, I have good news.


It all came together, despite much adversity from the Universe. :) Last minute, I had to clear out my savings and get us a hotel, because my "buddy" changed his mind on us and flopped. Matt ended up going with us, and he even paid for his own stuff... (4) A few things went wrong, like me freaking out over being on time and losing my head over forgetting my bag of shoes to change into, forgetting our spare pillows in Southport, losing a battery to the inflatable mattress, the hotel being crappy with a leaky sink and bugs, Matt getting sick the day before the con... But at the same time it was filled with much happiness because I got to spend time with my best friend of 16 years and my boyfriend going on 7 months.


I was happier that Matt was there because Brittany's boyfriend didn't go with us and she spent all her free-time texting and missing him. That made me think I would have been like her, and that feels like a waste of a convention since I've been in that boat before.


All in all, it was amazing despite friend drama and my neurotic tendencies. We three blew all our money and exhausted ourselves with our nerdy geek passions. We all have tons of pics and videos from the convention, lots of good memories, and Matt and I had a lot of super hot hotel sex that actually brought us closer after all the stress at the Southport home front.


I'll admit, being in a city 6 hours away from home without a chaperone or my parents was rather scary, and having Matt there made me realize that sometimes being apart might be a bad thing. This was a new experience, and having him there made me calmer and able to relax, instead of chomping on my nails and pulling my hair out the entire time. Plus, he would have been endlessly worried about me.


One thing that seriously kicked my ass the entire con was my poor self-esteem. This will probably become a Topic in of itself, but for now, here's a quick coverage: at the con there were a lot of Tifa Lockhart cosplayers (for those of you who don't know her, she's a boob lady from Final Fantasy 7), a character a lot of hentai fans have a "thing" for. She's probably the most porno-rific character of the FF series. There were also lots of young teen girls with amazing bodies walking around in scanty clothing or skin tight outfits, or costumes that show lots of skin. On top of that, we made a detour coming into Tampa at an adult store called Adult Super Center, which is open 24 hours. We went in and ooohhh-ed and ahhh-ed at everything, and I was feeling pretty good -- until Matt was lingering over by the Blow Job video section. He pointed out one particular chick doing it, and my mood went from happy-go-go to angsty-no-no.


Throughtout the con and the day before, I made snide bitchy comments and was constantly putting myself down because I think very little of my looks. It's more like, "What looks? Are you blind? Can't you fucking see these fat rolls or stretch marks? Can't you fucking see my goddamn belly?" And so on. Also, friend drama involving one friend making another cry and me getting slapped in the middle to play therapist on my vacation really ruined my first day of the con because I was too worried about everyone else.


So it goes.


Despite my self-esteem and jealousy shit, it was awesome. However... the day after the con sucked. I didn't come home to my address on 607 West 11th Street; it was Southport. :( That shocked me in a way I hadn't imagined it would. Being in Tampa made me find out how badly I did not want to be there in SP.



*sigh*


And so, the world keeps turning, and life keeps going on and on. I'm sure something will change, something will give, and I'm sure in the end, it will happen as it was meant to - be it good or bad.





With that, I end this update. Thanks for reading!


Until next Topic,
-The Soup



P.S. Feel free to comment, Tweet, or message me about anything regarding this post or anything else! I open for Topic suggestions too.

NOTES:

1. I don't see how he can think that. He usually tells me when something's wrong, or how much he loves me when he's feeling it. He can be sappy and romantic and totally verbal. He's very physical and touchy feely with love, so him saying he doesn't really show emotion makes me wonder if maybe he's feeling depressed? I don't know. I see him laugh and smile, and he's such a doofy dork all the time... But I've only seen him cry once in all our time together.


2. Apparently me just simply being there, making him laugh, being cuddly and kissing on him, and even getting him a little horny made the funeral day like a normal day. I find this hard to believe, but also somewhat amusing. So it goes.


3. In other words, I would miss being smothered. XD Although I'm not really being smothered, it gets the point across, ya?


4. One of my major worries regarding him coming with us involved me thinking I'd end up as a bank or some shit. I was greatly surprised when he had more than enough to cover his ticket, share of the room, and his swag. :) Me being so pleased with him involved me buying him a little Zack Fair from Final Fantasy 7 figure. 15 bucks, but totally worth making him happy and sorta rewarding him. XD I know, rather counterproductive and ironic...

Topic: Time Apart and Vacations

The experts in books such as Relationships for Dummies and the magazine Cosmopolitan all say that if a couple spends every waking minute together, they'll drive each other crazy and eventually drive each other apart (1). Is this true? When you live with someone, you're around them constanstly. It's both a perk and a downside; perk, because Matt's there for me whenever I'm upset, need a cuddle, or just want to see him - downside, because he's always there and it's hard to get away from him,and even harder to get time for myself.

In their recent June 2011 issue, Cosmopolitan posted findings from match.com's poll - the results said that relationship-minded men actually crave less personal space. So by this info-bit, that means Matt is a relationship-minded man.

What I mean by that is, since we've gotten serious Matt always invites me every time he goes to hang with his buddies - I never even ask. He spends quality time with me every day and unless he's playing a video game, his attention is on me. He's never mentioned needing space or wanting me to go somewhere not where we're currently living... He always asks if I want to go to the store with him or when he runs errands. Yay for me!

But what does that say about me since I don't particularly think I'm hard-up on personal, but I'm starting to think otherwise?

For instance, lately I've been spending a lot of time in the bathroom - not because of bodily functions (except the symptoms of a UTI) , but because I wanted a moment away from my sweetie. I'll just sit there on the pot, writing in a journal or reading a book, things that I actually do usually with Matt sitting next to me in the bed.

I call my friends when I want a break from my man and usually take the call to the other room or outside. I sometimes sit at work a lot longer after I've gotten off to have a breather to myself, or I hang out on the porch without him or in the other room doing something.

Why do I do this? It's not that Matt is annoying, clingy, or suffocating - those things his is NOT. It's not that I'm not allowed to hang out with other people or go places without him. He's not controlling and he's not obsessive.

In all actuality, probably, the reason we spend so much time together is that we genuinely enjoy each other immensely. We love everything about each other and accept one another, make each other laugh, goof off, have wonderful sex, and share good experiences that make memories. And the reason I've been making time for myself in little ways probably has to do with both my individual needs and my urgency of preserving the relationship and keeping us thriving.

When Matt and I first started dating, we only saw each other once or twice a week, if even that. We hardly talked on the phone (complicated reasons involving low-level manipulation through lying and me getting a new phone - covered in a later Topic: Truth and Deception), and texted usually once a day. I looked forward to every time my phone went off or he told me he was coming over. Meanwhile, I didn't waste my time waiting to hear from him. I went out with friends, went shopping and saw movies, sang karaoke on Saturdays, and spent time working on my writing on the computer. I had all the time to myself, after being in an abusive relationship with a guy who constantly blew up my phone and would yell at me for not answering on the first ring.

As it seems, Matt went through his own "me time" phase, long before we got seriously-serious. From the beginning, we both felt that this was "it" and we'd found our soul mates in each other. (Still feel this way, in fact.)

During the first month of December, Matt pulled some shit that normally deserves a harsh break up. This will be covered in more detail in Topic: Cruel December, but a light-skimming of the topic goes like this: Matt hung out with my brother more than me, so much so I became the third-wheel. I said something about it, and he clamoured about things like "I was having guy time" and "I didn't mean to ignore you, but I was busy." He also out-right ignored my pleas and went to a strip club (that he lied to me about going to it, and I found out officially in FEBRUARY), and then a Coyote Ugly, where he allegedly said, "It's nice to get away from Sarah (2)." We also barely talked, barely touched, and didn't kiss because he was "sick" and "didn't want to get me sick." (Once again, more in Topic: Cruel December.) He hardly returned my calls, didn't reply to my texts as promptly as normal, and gave excuses about why he didn't call back or wasn't going to come see me -- "I'm busy cleaning house" or "I don't know what's going on with my parents tomorrow, so I can't give an answer just yet."

Turns out, through recent developments (covered in later Topic: Truth and Deception), he was lying to me about being busy cleaning house/no gas/no car: "I was just at home playing video games." He said he didn't want to be around me because "I was feeling down on myself, and you were always so bright and positive that I didn't want to bring you down."

Matt almost lost me in December, things got better in January, took a turn for the worst during February (see Topic: Truth and Deception) but he made things right, and then things were better. I started spending the night at least once a week, with us seeing each other two other times besides that, and very soon the nights turned to weeks and the weeks turned to months. I haven't spent a night at home since.

So did Matt repent for the sins of December by constantly showing how much he wants to spend time with me?

Now I'm comitting the sins of May/June. Sarah's "me time." Nothing like cheating or purposefully causing drama, no no no no.

There was an anime convention I've been wanting to go to for a very long time. METROCON. It's held every year in downtown area of Tampa, and every time I've gone it was time away from my boyfriend at the time.

The first time, I didn't have much of a choice; I was in a long distance relationship with a Marine, and communication was already limited enough. I spent a good bit of the con on the phone with the guy, and I moped around a lot, missing him and wishing he was at the con with me.

The second time, my guy had orginally agreed that we were going to the con together -- until he bailed on me, and I was stranded with no way to go or even enough money to pay for it all since he'd convinced me I'd have enough money. (Part of me says he did that on purpose, the other part says he was just not the responsible type to actually plan shit in advance). My friend Jen bought me a last-minute $300 VIP ticket, and I had to go. :D I didn't want it to go to waste. Well, Jake didn't like that, and spent the whole con tying me down with his anger and hurtful words. We argued non-stop and he was determined to ruin my experience by blowing up my phone, leaving angry and hateful voice messages, and threatening me. That time, I was happy to be without him.

And now 2011 comes around. At first, Matt was gonna go, and then he got himself and new job and didn't want to risk getting canned by asking time off. I was excited by the prospect of our first vaction together! But when he said finally that he couldn't go, I was saddened by this development.

But then I started getting used to the idea of going to the con with just my best friend Brittany and having time away from him. I was looking forward to the weekened without him and even anticipating how horny I'd be after I got back. (I'm always horny after long trips.) I was imagining what the con was gonna be like, with me video-documenting the adventure on my iPod and taking pictures with my cellphone. I'd spend the weekend doing my own thing, but by still showing Matt that I'm thinking of him through romantic/sexy text messages, picture mails, and video clips to be later reviewed, because that's one thing you can't really do if you spend all your time with your sweetie: you won't miss them or think about them if they're right there with you all the time.

But now, here's the new development: As of two days ago, Metrocon plans changed: Matt is going with.

There goes my "bestie road trip."


There goes our time apart, to miss each other, and then upon reunion show just how much we missed each other. ;(

There goes Sarah's "me time."

BUT - it would be our first vacation together, possibly bringing us even closer as we experience a world outside our little room and this shitty little town.

And as of an hour or so ago, plans changed again: Brittany and I were screwed out of our staying at my buddies' house. Now we're struggling to find a place to stay for that weekend, but shit has happened.

Matt says he's still going, but now he's doubtful whether he'll have the money or not.

So I'm happy and sad: happy that if we do go, he might not get to go... and sad that if we do go, he might not get to go.

And sad that the possiblity is, we just might now get to go at all. That nobody goes, period.

*sigh*

Rather conflicted about this, but I am taking the warning that I need time for myself. I need to talk to Matt about the Metrocon thing, and possibly stack myself on work hours so that I can be apart from him at least a little while. In fact, if I still had my computer with me at all times (right now I'm posting at my parents house, where my compy resides; I reside out of town), I'd probably need less time for myself since I could just put on headphones and mentally disappear for awhile.

So what's the lesson here, readers? Couples can benefit from time apart (3). Wanting time for yourself is not a sign of an unhealthy relationship or an unreasonable desire; it's the sign of a heathy individual who knows what he or she wants, and in a relationship it takes communication to let the other person know what he or she wants. Some people don't need all that much "me time" - other people do. Me, I'm somewhere in the middle. I enjoy being able to do what I want without getting interrupted by someone, but at the time, I enjoy the person interrupting me... most of the time.

I'll work out this Metrocon/"me time" thing. It's either gonna take me making the time for myself in the small ways like I have been, or asking for it nicely. Either someone goes to the con, or nobody goes.

(I love Matt dearly, and I wonder how he'd act when I'm not beside him for a weekend...)

And with that thought I wrap this up. Next Topic? Probably won't be until sometime next week, if even that. Don't expect timely updates from me. XD

Until next Topic, later days.

-S.

--

NOTES:

1. Check out this link for more information: http://worldsstrongestlibrarian.com/5774/5-reasons-happy-couples-should-spend-time-apart-guest-post-by-tara-mohr/

2.) The source on this one is a little sketchy. My brother was severely drunk after the Coyote Ugly and Matt was the designated driver. A few days ago, I brought it up with Matt after reading the same article from Note 3 and pointing out what happened in Cruel December. I said the "it's nice to get away from Sarah" version; Matt rebutted, "That's not what I said! I said it was nice to get away from stress." I'm not sure what call to make here. You decide.

3. This link for information: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/relationship-advice/new-love-truths?click=main_sr - I'm specifically putting this one in here because of the conversation I had with Matt where I brought up his behavior in December and how it related to this article. This article will be cited again in Topic: Truth and Deception.

Finally! First Post!

Holy crap, I created this blog a while back and I'm just now doing the first post. Oy, life's been busy, mates. Been busy as hell.

Anyway, welcome to my blog, Video Games Rule My Sex Life: Normal is Overrated. Yes, this title is all true from real life. Sad, isn't it? But it's not all sad. I have with me stories to tell, lessons to teach, and wisdom to pass on.

You're probably either someone who already knows me from Livejournal.com, Twitter, or Facebook. If you are, then you don't need to read the introduction/explanation on who I am and how my marvelous relationship with a man named Matt Meeker came to be. But if you aren't, and there's a percentage that you aren't someone who intimately knows me, then please read on past the asterisks.

If you do know me, or you don't care about the exposition, skip ahead until you see the next line of asterisks.

BEGIN SKIP:


* * * * * * * * * * * *

So who am I? I'm Sarah, also known as Soup because of my writing career and my anime/video game convention going. Age: 19, going on 20 in October. Sophomore in college, Psychology major. Goal is to be a relationship therapist. Family is widely extended with various cousins and aunties (mom came from a family of ten); nuclear family includes mother, father, and older brother in the Navy. Things I like are dark chocolate, milk, spaghetti, writing, reading, sleeping, sex, Twitter, Facebook, Kurt Vonnegut, Yaoi, telling people what to do, action figures, Magic the Gathering, blue, porn, anime, and video games. Things I don't like are annoying bitches, perverts who salivate over me at work, old people, my job most of the time, pimples, unsightly body hair, my low self-esteem and negative body image.

I've got neuroses and several dysfunctions that make me who I am. I'm perfectly imperfect, but I'm always striving to grow and change every day in some way.

Now who is this Matt guy and how did we meet? (I'm too lazy to write anything new, so this next part is a copy-paste from another thing I wrote.) Okay, so long story incredibly short, I met this fucking amazing guy at the midnight release at Game Stop for Halo: Reach, one of the most anticipated games of the year. I wasn't getting the game myself. I was there as someone for my then-"boyfriend" to talk to. Which I didn't. Turns out I knew too many other people in the line to stay in one spot the whole time. I was playing Jake's Playstation Portable and running around in the on-line mode, hoping for someone to link up and play me in the Arena. Oh, lookie there! A name showed up, and then a guy! I couldn't figure out how to connect, so I just kept running around in the lobby, minding my own business. Sort of.

Like I said, I knew too many people, so I was talking it up with a bunch of my buddies. One of my buddies I sporadically bump in to, Alex Irra-Idontknowhowtospellhisname, waved me over. We excitedly talked and caught up a little bit, until he noticed that I was The Soup, the person who had been running around the Arena mode of Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep like an idiot the whole time.

Alex notices my screen name and then says, "Oh, you're The Soup? There's this guy, we've been looking for you."

And he brings me over to meet this guy who had been running around in the Arena mode with me the whole while, trying to link up the entire time I was trying to link up with him.

The fucking instant we talked, I was hooked. I was hooked on his alarmingly blue eyes, on his laugh, and how sexy he was. And at the same time, I felt this instant of recognition - a sort of sparking in my chest that told me something was right in the world. The whole time we spent talking, we fiddled around with our games. He asked me everything - where do you live? how old are you? where do you go to school at? where do you work? - he was extremely interested in me, and I'll admit I was flirting with him. I didn't once call Jake my boyfriend. I didn't once mention dating or anything like that.

When Jake called me forty-minutes later, asking me where the hell was I and if I was planning on ever coming back to talk to them, I told him I'd be there when I was done with the game. Lie. I really didn't want to stand over by Jake and a be a silent stick, just standing there staring off into space bored out of my mind. No. I was having too much fun with Matt, and something told me that I needed to keep in contact with him. He asked me who it was I was talking to on the phone. I said, "My buddy's wondering where I'm at. He wants me to come back over there by him because he's bored."

I never once called Jake my boyfriend, like I said. I always referred to him as my buddy.

Even though I told Jake that I'd come over to him after we were done, I played Matt one more time. Smiling and everything, eye contact. I was so smitten with him, and I barely knew him! So, what happens next? Before I go, I'm sure to ask him about his Myspace that he mentioned earlier to me and get it from him. We chat a bit more, and seemingly there's talk of us seeing each other again.

I couldn't have been happier.

I go back over to Jake, who is mad at me for ignoring him for strangers. He's right. Matt was a stranger, but it didn't feel that way. It kinda felt like all the love and adventure I have when I connect with people at anime conventions, something that Jake took away from me. I didn't tell Jake about Matt then.

Jake took his Playstation Portable - or Pornable, or Penis, names that my fellow geeky comrades like to throw about here and there when talking about the handheld game system in question - and played the Arena on Offline mode, ignoring me with his silent treatment and absolute refusal to even fucking engage me in conversation. Fuck him. I was mooney over Matt. Kept stealing glances at him still sitting in his fold-out lawn chair as they waited for the release. I wasn't even getting the game, what the hell was I doing there, I kept thinking, but at the same time I was happy - no, fucking joyous - that I went because I'd met awesome Matt guy.

The game releases, the crowds reformat and I lose Matt sort in the crowd. I wanted to say bye to him before we left, but when he walked past me I wasn't sure what to say so I let him go.

Jake bitched me out in his car after we left. It was one in the morning. He bitched me out for leaving him alone, when I was there to hang out with him and not my stupid nerdy high school friends. He was also mad at me for hugging everybody, all of whom were guys. That's... actually understandable, yeah, but I wasn't going to let him have that win over me, not when I was feeling so awesome.
Nope.

So I let him bitch me out. I let him get angry, and I defended myself against him. I said that I have a lot of friends who are guys, that he should just deal with it. And so on and so on. In truth, I didn't treat Jake as well as I should have.

In truth, though, he didn't treat me so hot either.

It's one twenty something whenever Jake lets me home. At one thirty something, I have fired up my computer against the rules of my house and logged on to my Myspace that I hadn't touched in a long-ass time. I sent Matt Meeker a friends request, I did nothing else except tell him something like, "Hey it's Sarah from Halo: Reach/Kingdom Hearts! You're awesome, let's be friends." I can't fucking remember what I said because it was late at night.

But I did that before I fell asleep, and I dreamed of him. Swear it.

The next morning, I wake up and check Myspace. He accepted my friends request with a "lol i was tired lol" because he likes to spam lol. Seriously, he does.

Regardless, that was September 15th when he added me.

A few days later, I can't stand it and I swallow my chicken ass down and send him a really long message; a message so full of want and love and lust, I can still feel the emotions as I read it even now.

"Thought I'd message you real quick, got a couple of questions: 1.) Does Alex - the dude who brought me over to you guys after discovering I was The Soup- have a Myspace? I can't remember how to spell his last name and it's been forever since he and I talked. We were buddies long ago in middle school and only sporadically bumped into each other during high school; and 2.) Do you have something other than Myspace we can talk on? It's giving me lots of errors, broken links, slow loading times, and general bugs and stuff whenever I was updating my crap ('cause it's been so freakin' long since I was on here, lol).

"Got a phone number? Texting? AIM? YIM? Steam Account? Hell, I'd be fine with just regular e-mail. XD Wouldn't mind getting to know you more. You seem really awesome.
Random here: Disregard my comment-back to you. I'm actually level 14 in the Arena now. Big whoop, right? Lol, I'm so lame. But hey! When we hang out again, you can help me get through some of the harder Arena missions, right? Also, I beat Ventus' story and started Terra's, but it's hard for me to play as him because while he's a power-house, he's damn slow. O_o I'm used to my Keyblade weilders having an element of speed to them. It's like the same difference between being a Marth player and then switching to Gannondorf in Smash Bros. Melee/Brawl. Maybe that's just me, idk. Terra's still awesome, though. I do love him as a character.

"Have you played Halo: Reach yet? I haven't. I want to, but I'm not gonna be able to until next Friday when I get paid. If you've got Xbox-Live, I'll friend you there.
Anyway, I said I only had a couple of questions and I've already gone past my quota, so I'll just head out. XD"

Yeah, I was nervous as all fuck to send that bitch, too. Seriously.


I stalked Matt's Myspace the entire time I was waiting on a response, too. Yep. I waited over a month for his response. And while I waited, I dug through his profile, scrounging for information on him. I saw that he was in a band, that he liked to draw. Enjoyed RPGs, and he'd written something about the kind of person he was looking for. More on that one later.

I dreamed of him three days in a row and talked about him to anybody he would listen. I met him just that once and I couldn't get him out of my head. One little meeting, and I was completely blown away by him.

Yep, I was hooked. Convinced, seriously convinced, that I'd found my soul mate because of that instant of recognition. I swear it, I swear to it now. He's the One. He thinks I'm the One, and thank god almighty the feeling is mutual.

But there's more to this story, as Captain Blue from Viewtiful Joe says.

And there is.

Yep. (Dang, I say that a lot.)

So, I post a comment on Matt's profile in response to the one he left on mine - the "lol I was tired one" - and send him that geeky, stalkerish message. And I talk about him to everyone who will listen, and I rag on the guy I'm stuck with.

Before I met Matt, there was already a shit ton of problems with me and Jake. For one, I didn't really want to be with him in this first place, and I'd just dated him for two years because I didn't want to be alone and he did do a pretty good job of giving me all the material things that I wanted. Yeah, I was a bit of a user and a gold digger, but just this once in my life. He really did serve a purpose, and once that purpose was fulfilled, it was time to move on.

When I met Matt, it was the first time in my life that I was incredibly sure of how bad I wanted something. As I waited for Matt's response, feeling guilty that I was cheating on Jake emotionally to the point I even deleted the message from my Sent box, I changed my relationship status to Single, posted several status updates that sounded flirty and ridiculously scripted, and I posted a blog that went along perfectly with the whole situation, written on the same day as I wrote the stalker message.

"Sep 18, 2010

'I'm not who I used to be, isn't that grand?
To quote what I wrote in a story the other day, with some creative liberties taken:

'I'm not a push over anymore. Not a doormat, a personal bank, or a punching bag. I'm not your crutch or cane, and I'm not your bitch.

'I'm rapt with action and attention, hungry with ambition, and absolutely blood-thirsty for success. For the first time in my life with absolute certainty, I know what and who I want.

And I'm going to seize the chance and wrestle it down to the ground, claiming it for my own in the name and honor of who and what I aim to be: myself.'"

Like I said, it was like I had a feminist awakening and it was time for me to become the person I was again - Jake had kept me suppressed for far too fucking long.

So time goes by. I go from checking Myspace every day to only once a week. Then not at all, as I've seemingly given up on him and time has gone on, life has moved on, and so forth and so on.

And then, on November 6th, Matt finally sends me a response.

"Nov 6, 2010 RE: Hey you
Matt Meeker says To: The Soup (metalgear_is_goingdown@myspace.com)
lol all i got is a myspace for now. lol my email is {don't think he'd want his e-mail revealed}. my phone number is {not giving his number out on the net} so u can call or text me sometime. i don't really know that one guy. im arena lvl 21 and i've beaten it with all 3 of them. except the arena and the 2 secret bosses. but yea i wouldnt mind hangin out sometime and helpin u out. well ttyl"

I'm sitting at Cici's on my break, my pizza place job of five years, and I'm so excited I write down Matt's number and begin texting him right there.

We flirt for a bit about world domination before I clock back in.

And then the magic really begins the next morning.

At about nine thirteen or so, a text comes in while I'm doing my morning regiment of checking my Twitter and Facebook feeds. I'm doing my morning tweet of heading off to the trolley, and Matt texts me. Kinda early, don't you think? How bad would he have felt if I'd been asleep and he'd woke my ass up?

The next thing I know, MATT'S FUCKING CALLING ME. Holy fucking shit. Somebody pinch me or something because I must be fucking dreaming, right? Hahahaha. So Matt asks me if he can give me a ride to school instead of the trolley. I, of course, say yes! And he drives all the way to 11th street to pick me up.

Needless to say, I'm going fucking bat shit. I'm crazy with pre-date jitters and I'm trying to get my shit together. I'm shaking and exhilarated and the whole time I'm like, "I can't believe this is happening!" And it totally, totally was, man. No joke, no dream. All real, all really happening.

After he picks me up and I'm in his car, the first things I noticed were his blue shoes and that he smokes. I also noticed the way his hair looks not covered up by a beanie, and how his eyes were still that intense blue I remembered. FUCK YES. He was totally chill when he asked me what I wanted to do before I went to class.

I told him I was craving a raspberry mocha latte.

FUCKING DREAM COME FUCKING TRUE.

Oh, yes! Matt asks me if I'm seeing anybody while we're waiting for our drinks at the counter in Starbucks -- was this our first date? Was this a date, I kept thinking, all while feeling a smidge guilty yet completely empowered and on top of the fucking world - and I tell him, "Sort of, not really."

I explain the whole thing with Jake, how I'm in the process of breaking up with him. I tell Matt about the "I'm fat conversation" (the one when Jake calls me up after he got off work at six a.m. in the morning just to ask me if I think he's fat -- which I do, but do you honestly think I'm going to answer that kind of fucking question? Jake was always good at those lead fucking questions - I tell Matt about the whining and womanliness. I tell him about how I'm ignoring his calls and slowly trying to get the message through to him that we're over with.

I say to Matt, "It was over for me emotionally and mentally long ago," which is true, because honestly, if it weren't for the oxytocin chemical that was released when we sometimes fooled around or cuddled, I couldn't have cared less about him. Which is true, I really could have cared less.

This is when I find out, to my joyous and happy surprise, that Matt has been single for a four years. Sounds like I'm his winner winner chicken dinner, right? I've got a real shot at the thing I want.

Sooooo.... we laugh and flirt, and he walks me to class after driving me to the college. He hangs out with me for a bit after we get there, killing time before the professor shows up. Good laughs, intense eye contact, smiling. Real chemistry. All good. Oh yeah.

And then I have to go to class, and poor Matt actually looked SAD for me to go! There was an obvious change in the way he smiled and acted afterwards. Poor dear. I didn't want him to go. I really wanted to skip class and just hang out with him some more.

Before he leaves, I muster up enough courage to give him a hug. I wish I could have hugged him longer, but I was afraid that I might have gone too far.

But seriously the fact that Matt even mentioned the whole "Sooo... are you seeing anybody?" told me that he was interested in me, possibly as much as I was interested in him!

And this awesome short date had me wanting more. I wanted to know him more, know him deeper. Make him mine and keep him there.

I knew I didn't want to be with Jake anymore.

And the cool thing was, Matt wanted to hang out with me more after I got out of class, but Jake taking me to Due Date totally ruined that. Still, we texted and flirted some more. He was totally thinking of me all the goddamn day! Happy face! I lied to him, innocently enough, saying that I was going to see Due Date with Brittany and a bunch of our girly friends, not telling him that I was going with Jake who was my sort-of-not-really-boyfriend who I didn't want and honestly couldn't fucking stand him touching me in any sort of intimate way.

So it goes.

Matt seriously wanted to come over and hang out before I left but I didn't want Matt and Jake crossing paths, so I lied some more. (Of course, I'm thinking of fessing up because I do feel bad for lying, but.....) Matt understood and despite us not chilling out that day, we texted all night long. We talked about our sort of date. We talked about dating and feelings, and it was revealed that we both like-like each other.

Like-like, yeah - sounds like fucking kindergarten, sure, but you have no idea how much of a dream this was like to me. I was on cloud nine, dancing with angels and making friends with saints, while on Earth my mortal body was being fondled by a dude I didn't even want touching me. No joke.

So it goes.

So what happens next? Wellll.... my want to be with Matt, combined with my feminist awakening and my desire to be ride of Jake, push me to the edge. I break it off completely with Jake, he goes batshit wongo crazy, Matt kisses me (I'm fucking addicted to those kisses), and we're in love. Matt said it first, and he said that I was the One long before I did, even though I thought it since we first met.

We both consider it to be a love at first sight kind of thing.

Yeah, like I said, it was like soul recognition, two sparks finding each other.

Yeah, love is the bomb and all that.

Yeah, it's awesome. (End the copy-pasta....)

Been dating for six months now. In the process of moving in together - talk of engagement! :D

Matt's such an amazing guy. Sure he doesn't have a highschool diploma or an awesome high-pay job, but he does take care of me in ways that society's standards probably doesn't fucking consider. He nourishes me emotionally with his cuddles, unsolictied touches, and keeps me satisfied. He's a hardcore gamer, who is very seriously into his Final Fantasy and Metal Gear Solid. Other charactertistics include: picky eater, smoker in the process of quitting, lazy, couch potatoe, extremely helpful, caring, strong, the most creative guy I know, artist, self-trained swordsman, sexy, beautiful soul.

END SKIP.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Why did I create this blog? My relationship with Matt is my healthiest relationship, in contrast to everything I've ever had to deal with as well as case studies I've gathered from friends, classroom texts, and research. I'm writing this blog not only to help others find happiness in their own relationships, but to write a record of my relationship and reflect on problems, issues, and general things. I also created this as as sort of "Self Therapy" tool to help me laugh at things, such as Matt farting loudly during our First Time.

So there you go, dearies. That's the bare bones of this operation. As I create posts and weave stories, the blanks will be filled in with details. Hopefully you'll get something out of this. Laugh, cry, make fun of me, review me, comment, and in general interact with me. I want feedback!

Readers, tell me: What topics would you like for me to cover next?

Thanks for reading this incredibly sloppy and unprofessional first post! The others should turn out more polished than this.

Until next gaming session and so on,

Sarah the Soup