First, I'm gonna get into my changed state of mind: I'm no longer aching for time apart, as much. What changed? Well, my unhappiness in Southport, a result of me reluctantly moving in with Matt and his family into a very tense situation involving dying grandparents and verbally abusive fathers who like to insult us both by calling us dead-beats (when I'm the college student with a part-time job), caused me to miss my parents greatly. I also longed to be away from Matt, in an attempt to bring back the earlier days of us dating, when seeing each other was less of a promise and more of a chance. I wanted to go back to living in seperate situations because I feel like I never made the proper mental transition needed to adjust to living away from Mom and Dad, plus I missed my room and sleeping with my dogs. I missed watching the tv shows I wanted to watch, missed vegging out in front of the computer for hours on end, and in a way, I even missed riding on the wretched trolley.
In short, I was missing my me-time.
And while I still do to an extent and plan to do something about it (eventually...), something happened that made me realize that being selfish and moving back in with my parents abruptly would only hurt Matt worse during the time he needed me most -- when his grandfather, who he had been extremely close to, finally passed.
Seeing my boyfriend retreat to another room where no-one else goes, I followed him and he did something he had never done to me before: ran to me and let me hold him as he cried. Yes, reader, my boyfriend showed himself fully to me and let me see him cry.
Matt d0es not easily cry. In fact, he claims to have difficulty showing any kind of emotion (1). But witnessing this moment and being there for him physically, letting him curl up into my side and let me hold on the couch later or letting me stroke his hair while he fell asleep, made me realize that as much as I want to go home, a piece of me is there in wretched South port with the man I love, and that's what's holding me there. I do want to be with Matt, and supporting him through the death of his grandfather - going so far as me calling out of work to accompany him at the funeral in Alabama - pushed it into my head that relieving my homesickness can wait.
And with that realization, I have gladly accepted the fact that living with Matt means practically always being around him. Since the death of his grandfather, I have made a committment to being there for Matt through the fire and flames, and my ache for home and me-time has subsided. It's still there, but it's less important. I realized that as Matt's girlfriend and eventual life partner, I had to be there for him in his time of need. And I'm so happy I was, because in all honesty... if I HAD gone home before Wayne passed, I would have been full of regret and endless guilt. I would have felt I failed Matt as a girlfriend, that I should have been there for him.
No guilt, no regrets, and everything to be gained in a relationship that has grown even deeper through surviving a crisis together.
Something that really made me forget about going home for a while?
Matt told me that it really meant something that I was there at the funeral with him. He said I made things easier, I made him him feel better and loved; I kept him entertained and busy, showering him with love and affection all through the day, and that my presence there "made it seem like a normal day (2)."
That made all my grief and unhappiness fade into a dull blur smothered by a warm fuzzy of love.
I still plan to move back in with my parents; how this will happen, I'm not exactly sure yet. This is why that even though I made quite a show of putting my bedroom into boxes, I never intended to actually foreverly leave. I, however, wish for Matt to movin with me... and at the same time, I wish for him to stay in Southport. I worry that he won't be happy living with me and my parents, just as I am unhappy living with his (specifically the verbally abusive father with severe anger issues). I feel that perhaps we should live in seperate abodes for a while, but at the same time, I feel I would miss him so terribly the ache to be with him will overcome my ache to be without him around constantly (3).
In this aspect of the Topic, I am in a stalemate.
But regarding the Metrocon sitution, I have good news.
It all came together, despite much adversity from the Universe. :) Last minute, I had to clear out my savings and get us a hotel, because my "buddy" changed his mind on us and flopped. Matt ended up going with us, and he even paid for his own stuff... (4) A few things went wrong, like me freaking out over being on time and losing my head over forgetting my bag of shoes to change into, forgetting our spare pillows in Southport, losing a battery to the inflatable mattress, the hotel being crappy with a leaky sink and bugs, Matt getting sick the day before the con... But at the same time it was filled with much happiness because I got to spend time with my best friend of 16 years and my boyfriend going on 7 months.
I was happier that Matt was there because Brittany's boyfriend didn't go with us and she spent all her free-time texting and missing him. That made me think I would have been like her, and that feels like a waste of a convention since I've been in that boat before.
All in all, it was amazing despite friend drama and my neurotic tendencies. We three blew all our money and exhausted ourselves with our nerdy geek passions. We all have tons of pics and videos from the convention, lots of good memories, and Matt and I had a lot of super hot hotel sex that actually brought us closer after all the stress at the Southport home front.
I'll admit, being in a city 6 hours away from home without a chaperone or my parents was rather scary, and having Matt there made me realize that sometimes being apart might be a bad thing. This was a new experience, and having him there made me calmer and able to relax, instead of chomping on my nails and pulling my hair out the entire time. Plus, he would have been endlessly worried about me.
One thing that seriously kicked my ass the entire con was my poor self-esteem. This will probably become a Topic in of itself, but for now, here's a quick coverage: at the con there were a lot of Tifa Lockhart cosplayers (for those of you who don't know her, she's a boob lady from Final Fantasy 7), a character a lot of hentai fans have a "thing" for. She's probably the most porno-rific character of the FF series. There were also lots of young teen girls with amazing bodies walking around in scanty clothing or skin tight outfits, or costumes that show lots of skin. On top of that, we made a detour coming into Tampa at an adult store called Adult Super Center, which is open 24 hours. We went in and ooohhh-ed and ahhh-ed at everything, and I was feeling pretty good -- until Matt was lingering over by the Blow Job video section. He pointed out one particular chick doing it, and my mood went from happy-go-go to angsty-no-no.
Throughtout the con and the day before, I made snide bitchy comments and was constantly putting myself down because I think very little of my looks. It's more like, "What looks? Are you blind? Can't you fucking see these fat rolls or stretch marks? Can't you fucking see my goddamn belly?" And so on. Also, friend drama involving one friend making another cry and me getting slapped in the middle to play therapist on my vacation really ruined my first day of the con because I was too worried about everyone else.
So it goes.
Despite my self-esteem and jealousy shit, it was awesome. However... the day after the con sucked. I didn't come home to my address on 607 West 11th Street; it was Southport. :( That shocked me in a way I hadn't imagined it would. Being in Tampa made me find out how badly I did not want to be there in SP.
*sigh*
And so, the world keeps turning, and life keeps going on and on. I'm sure something will change, something will give, and I'm sure in the end, it will happen as it was meant to - be it good or bad.
With that, I end this update. Thanks for reading!
Until next Topic,
-The Soup
P.S. Feel free to comment, Tweet, or message me about anything regarding this post or anything else! I open for Topic suggestions too.
NOTES:
1. I don't see how he can think that. He usually tells me when something's wrong, or how much he loves me when he's feeling it. He can be sappy and romantic and totally verbal. He's very physical and touchy feely with love, so him saying he doesn't really show emotion makes me wonder if maybe he's feeling depressed? I don't know. I see him laugh and smile, and he's such a doofy dork all the time... But I've only seen him cry once in all our time together.
2. Apparently me just simply being there, making him laugh, being cuddly and kissing on him, and even getting him a little horny made the funeral day like a normal day. I find this hard to believe, but also somewhat amusing. So it goes.
3. In other words, I would miss being smothered. XD Although I'm not really being smothered, it gets the point across, ya?
4. One of my major worries regarding him coming with us involved me thinking I'd end up as a bank or some shit. I was greatly surprised when he had more than enough to cover his ticket, share of the room, and his swag. :) Me being so pleased with him involved me buying him a little Zack Fair from Final Fantasy 7 figure. 15 bucks, but totally worth making him happy and sorta rewarding him. XD I know, rather counterproductive and ironic...
